so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
