I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
