How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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