it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
