I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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