Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
