i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
