Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
