I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
