mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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