Apparently you make a good broom.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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