u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
