I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
