After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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