you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
