I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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