At least make sure they are 18
Why
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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