Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
