I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
This is the prime rib incident all over again
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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