Apparently you make a good broom.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
