Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
