if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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