we're chasing vodka with high fives
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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