someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
