Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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