You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The air was thick with penises
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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