So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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