Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Randomize
