You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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