if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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