I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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