the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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