Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
