She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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