last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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