I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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