did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
