I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
