Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
