On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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