it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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