I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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