you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
