if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
