Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
