My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
