Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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