theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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