I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
