I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
