I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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