where am i from again
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
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