The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize